I didn't write anything through this, but it left a deep impact in me. It affected me deeply.
I questioned my judgment because I felt an amazing chemistry between us. In fact was the most fun first date ever. But then I felt I imagined it all. So I wasn't sure of anything and I was not trusting my self anymore. Especially since I'm in this journey of finding my voice, and listening to my intuition... it felt that my intuition blindsided me.
It took me what it felt forever to get over it.
I went over every conversation and read and read and re-played on my mind all of our interactions, trying to understand the signs and signals that I missed. Until I deleted them all.
I was so sincerely interested in him, as a person (don't know how to explain), that I felt we could have been good friends at the very least. No insistence in being in a love relationship. His persona and interests were so fun and aligned with mines, some of them at least. I wanted him to be a person in my life. Although I didn't get the chance to say that.
I mostly wanted to get my lesson from the experience. What information this gives about my self. And every time I though I had it, a new perspective would come up and the wound was still fresh.
I isolated my self from any dating and any contact, just trying to understand.
Even if I'm aware, rationally, that people walking away do not mean they are rejecting you... but they do not prefer you and/or they are dealing with their own things that you know nothing about... I still felt an intuitive connection that was real, and I still felt like a fool, like I imagined it.
Also... this is the first person I had a real interest for since my break up. First time in an online dating experience that I got my hopes up....
My main question was to learn and understand why it affected me so much. Why and how I gave all this power away so easily. What does that says about me.
It wounded me, it destabilized me. But I consider wounds clues about myself. Things that you wouldn't know about, wouldn't look at, wouldn't grow from if they were not triggered.
I still feel I have to get my lesson from it and will get an aha moment someday, after other similar experiences that makes it more clear.
The way I see it, every wound its a clue, it serves a purpose, it gets me closer to my self.
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