Ok, I will interrupt the continuity of the story I had started here for a bit (the Pedro saga). I was writing my things in a chronological order from a certain point and then I stopped … to panic about it. And question everything.
I have started a blog, where I'm writing all my intimate thoughts. Basically it's like my journal out in the open.
I got the thought, it felt like an inspired moment, an impulse… went and did it and now.. I'm rethinking the whole thing.
Why? It's one of my questions. What should I post, what I shouldn't …
Who is the audience? My family and friends and people who know me and also people who have interacted with me, strangers?… and I find myself with all these questions circling inside my head.
Who wants to write? My ego or my soul? Is it a cry for attention.. Validation?
I said it's because I want to share my journey… true. Because I want to find myself.. true… I have been in search mode like a hermit to the point i'm just going in circles in my head. Spinning. Like when you have thought enough, and you need to go and practice some of that theory.
I feel stagnated. I want a change but I don't know where to start. What to do. Don't know what that change looks like.
You know how they say if you can imagine it, you can make it? Well, I can't imagine it. I just know change looks different than what I have now. I know how I want to feel and that's all I know. That's all I have to work with.
I sit around and the voice in my head does not shut up: You want a change and you are doing nothing!! Then I'm waiting for inspiration for what… to come down from the sky? A voice that tells me what to do? What exactly the change is, with a full plan description and a step by step?... Yeah, I tried that and I was getting tired of sitting around.
I'm trying to imagine myself as a psychologist? Do not excite me. A life coach? I took a course… didn't exactly excite me. I don't know what else to imagine myself as. Nothing really comes to mind. A defined goal to work towards, to become.
All that comes to mind is creation, fulfillment, purpose, inspiration, collaboration, community, connection, joy… and that's all. Then I sit and meditate on that.. and meditate and meditate some more.
I listen to books and podcasts and all the different paths that lead to Rome… different techniques.. and jump from one to another. Still feel lost. I'm getting impatient and the voice in my head of - you are doing nothing - gets louder and louder.
I want a new chapter but I have no clue what that chapter looks like.
When I think about it, about my life, looking back, I think so far my methodology has been the pattern of elimination.
I was living in Cuba, I graduated and I didn't know where I wanted to go or what I wanted to be. All I knew was where I didn't want to be (In Cuba) and what I didn't want to be doing (my career). That's all I knew.
As I graduated, I decided, with a strong knowing and determination: I'm leaving Cuba.Told my mom, and to her questions of how - I don't know, where - I don't know. All I knew is I was gonna stay in the capital and to her question of where are you gonna live - I don't know. How are you gonna maintain yourself - I don't know.
So I stayed in Havana. My Computer Science job couldn't pay for my rent, food, or anything really. I also hated my very good position in a very good research center. So I quit after a year, with absolutely no plan.
I lived in Havana, doing random jobs as hairdresser (at some point I considered becoming one), waitress, selling internet in the black market (at this time it was not legal in Cuba, almost got caught), fake weddings for Chinese people so they could open a restaurant business (another story), real estate, agriculture advisor, and so on (This whole story its very long. It's called the spam email story, but that's for another time)
That period lasted for 2 years where I questioned all my life choices. Why did I even graduate? Why did I quit my job? Why am I in Havana? Why am I doing random jobs? Well, at this point I had no job even, and no money for the rent due next month and no food for me or my cat. I fell into the deepest depression. I felt powerless. I felt like what a plant most feel when we don't water it… ever! In a slow death. But the alternative of coming back home, or coming back to my safe job and staying in my country was way more terrifying than my bottomless depression. That idea was the only thing that imparted deep fear to my bones. Staying there!!!
So, to recap. I didn't know the way forward. I didn't have a plan. I was depressed. I didn't know what I was looking for. I was constantly searching for ways and alternatives. I must say, they did appear, the choices and alternatives, but they didn't feel the right one. I just knew they were not for me:
The amazing loving ray of sunshine Italian boyfriend who wanted to marry me and take me to Italy: Nop. I followed my heart to the bad boy. One of my darkest love story. Still don't regret it.
The questionable guy with questionable business and ideas (Open a business in Caiman Island): Nop.
The old rich guy who wanted to buy me a house, marry me and give me the stars: no no no!!!
The job opportunity in costa rica from a very questionable individual that my guts said: get away from me!!! No!
The modelling career, musical video from another very questionable character: Nop.
The working in a gentleman club in china or some other sort of job from my well intentioned Chinese friends for whom I found a bride? Nop.
Marry a Chinese guy for business? Nop.
My Chinese friends then wanted to find me an arranged marriage: God no!! Thank you tho for the good intentions!!
There were more choices and avenues I considered, tried or were presented, but not the time to share them. Maybe I leave it for a book:)
I didn't know what it looked like, what I was looking for. It was a lot of, I will know when I see it kinda thing. Meanwhile… just hang in there. All I knew was not that, not this, not this… nop, not this. I was desperate, but what it wasn't, was clear enough.
… when finally, a ray of light reached me… or should I say a spam email? And the opportunity appeared, and it was the right one… and I jumped into it. It was terrifying by the way. But again, for another story.
Then Poland. I settled… and still feel empty and purposeless. 8 years went by with so many challenges that I faced while dying inside…. And the voice in my head… well.. You heard that the voice got tired of screaming and talking and whispering in the previous story. The voice gave up.
So my point is without entering in all the details on each very long story… My life has been so far about not this, not this, definitely not that, kinda life. It's hard, navigating that way. Those are all the clues I have. Its like trial and error kind of thing.
Some people come to this planet and they already know what their calling is. How many times have I thought of that!!! I wish I was one of those. Am I defectuous one? I come here and I have no clue?
Sometimes I think, (if I believe in souls that choose their purpose, make contracts, and come to this earth for a reason) I must have been a joker one. I was really bored and came to earth to play a joke on myself and entertain my friends (which would be the spectators of my journey and the ones that are supposed to watch over you and give you hints here and there).
We went like… ok.. I will go down there and make it a game difficulty level ultra expert. No clues. No resources. Very bad geospatial orientation sense.
And the spectators go like (while eating popcorn): how long she will stay in this situation you think? Until she gets the courage to move on? Or more appropriate would be, to move “from”. Yes, that's the topic. I move out of something… and land into something else. I wonder how long she will stay in this new cycle? Wait, is it a new cycle? Or the same?
I must be like a bat, blind with a defective sonar.
So, in each situation, I feel like I marinate in all the nothingness until I'm either kicked out of it (by the spectators who got tired of watching me in the same saga and decided it's time to move on, as per our contract. I must have a limited amount of clues in this contract I made with them) or I get out of it by myself (in which case, I suppose I get points) On to the next. And now... I'm in that next thing.. Which is different and also the same.
I got tired of calling myself a failure, lazy that will die without knowing why I came here to live in the first place. If you ask me, that's my biggest fear. To die without living. So my approach changed from moving away from things, to moving towards things. Or a mix of them. Im levelling up:) yay me!!!
The problem is I'm not excited about anything at this point. Well.. I have gone into a deep, deep, deep, withdrawal mode. I'm often considered loud and extroverted by everyone that knows me, and everyone that does not know me. I thought the same until not long ago to be honest. But, as I mentioned , for the last two years I have gone into isolation (so I can listen to my thoughts and hopefully get some more clues about me) and now I'm basically a hermit.
I stopped kickboxing, and pole dancing, and hiking and meeting people and any project. I do not feel excited about anything.
So there I am, on my sofa, or walking my house… think, think, think, think…. Or feel , feel , feel, feel!! And nothing comes and I feel nothing.
So then I think, well… it doesn't have to be an all thought out project from beginning to end. Not even a medium project. Let's take baby steps, maybe baby steps are also too big. Let's take microscopical steps. Whatever will excite me the most, I will stand up and do it. That was my agreement with myself. I'm sure the spectators were cheering for me in this one.
A walk excites me? I go and walk. Go to a coffee shop at a random moment for no reason? I go. Go dancing? I go dancing. Curious. Everything I feel like doing these days it's alone. I don't want to do anything with the 1 or 2 friends I have these days. I'm craving company and connection, but …. I want to do everything alone. Wired if you ask me. I guess I'm looking for something that I will know when I find it… as per usual.
So, where were we? After sitting on the sofa for long enough and being in my house for long enough… The little voice came to tell me, write a blog… or share your writing… your thoughts… whatever… up to you. The little voice was not very specific. So I did. Now I'm panicking… and questioning.
Like everything in my life… no plan. Im living according to Steve Jobs' speech... maybe I will get to the end of my life and tie the dots backwards and it will all be a big joke? Who knows. Maybe it will make sense.
But I mostly move out of instinct. Sometimes it's a big move (intercontinental), sometimes it's tiny ones. I guess now I'm training myself to recognize the tiniest ones and I'm acting on them. But still…. Like a defective bat. It feels tiring… exhausting to live this way.
I have always had a very strong voice in my head that says: everything will be ok. That must be one of the things in my contract before coming to earth. I installed this in my operating system. I knew I would need it. The belief, and an insane self amount of assurance at the bottom of the pyramid of self doubts. That all coexist together in a thick smoothie of undetermined flavour. But when push comes to shove, that voice is always there: Everything will be ok.
Maybe that's why I choose (if we continue with this story line that souls choose their parents and all that) a father who threw me in the swimming pool at 5 years old and said: swim! And a mother who will smother me with love and overprotection. One parent that will actively challenge me (one might be surprised I didn't die in one of those adventures). Dive deeper! Jump higher, head first! climb to the top of that palm tree! That horse named scorpion who jumps in two legs it’s nothing for you, you can ride it! And a mother who would be stitching and banding me and smothering me with attention. So the voice that says: You can do it, and everything will be ok was practiced since childhood. To make sure that was my fundamental.
Maybe I’m an explorer. I'm exploring my own self and how my self fits in this world. I'm an explorer with very little clues or superpowers. The superpower is: everything will be ok and the clues are: I don't like this… next!
If I look back.. as a child… the non explored path was always the most attractive to me. It's like when I was standing at an interception… a voice was calling to me, come…. come this way. I had a plan were to go, but this other path was calling me. So there I go.
Still, I was a very bad explorer since I was constantly getting lost. All the time! People around me got used to it. I went to my job for 5 years with GPS. Some explorer Im. The distracted explorer. The accidental explorer. Maybe I’m related to Cristobal Colon.
I know the unknown its attractive to me. The possibilities are attractive to me. Growing towards something is attractive to me. And the limitations, the things that are settled in stone, the boxes and definitions… The confined mind spaces that are predetermined are not attractive to me.
I should make another page gathering clues. The little clues of what sparkle me and what dimes and kills my soul.
But thinking back still… I did like to explore. Break the rules if I had too, as long as I can follow the mystery voice that calls me to an adventure.
But now… I haven't explored in a while. Nothing calls me.. Until now.. This blog. This writing. I'm also afraid of mumbling about my thoughts on the world wide web.
It's funny. If you would have told me I was gonna be writing a blog, to the public? I would have laughed in your face. Because I was convinced I cannot write. I mean… I'm not saying I can write like anybody that does that as a profession. But I was really convinced I cannot write at all. And the funny thing about it is that I have been writing journals since 1999. Writing and storytelling has always been my outlet and enjoyment. But I, for sure cannot write. Of that I was convinced of.
I mean, some of my friends encouraged me, but I didn't take it seriously. Until a therapist told me I should write… like a book. And I was nah… and she was like… well, no patient of mine has written a 6 pagers to explain why she is coming to therapy. I was invested and wanted to know the rest of the story!! Then I consider it at this point.
This just makes me think that sometimes the one thing that we might enjoy has been looking at our faces the whole time. That would be a big joke for me. I'm not saying I'm gonna go and be a writer now, but, I will say for sure, this is what I'm enjoying now. Like discovering you have brown eyes at 35.. Oh wow… Will you look at that? Never noticed.
So all this long text today… to myself… to decide that I'll be writing for myself and share it. And that's it.
And I will do my very best to push away all the other sane and insane intrusive thoughts that are spiralling in my head. Because really… I have a track record of doing things on a whim. Saying things on a whim… all in the name of being open and vulnerable and blah blah and I have made an absolute fool of myself and I have had very terrible ideas … So, I will do my best to forget my track record and do this blog.
This idea feels like when I went to ski for the first time and took the offtrack black path and ended up with my skis flying meters away from me… and the 3 of us.. My two skis and myself were buried in the snow in unknown locations from each other. This is what this writing feels like. Exciting uh? With me it's always been 0 or 100 apparently. No middle points. I'm working on that though.. The middle.
Anyways… let's see what I learn from this. What new clue I unlock:) and what the cost of that clue will be.
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