If I imagine the world as a big land of sand (for a moment) and each person on the planet is leaving a trail as they go… that's how I imagine life to be. We all might go from point A to point B but leave different trails behind. Point A and point B might mean totally different things for each person and some might just want to draw circles, without particular destination, and that's ok.
My point is that each trail is different and you can change course at any time. You might have had an initial idea in your head, but you can change styles of drawing and change your mind about what it means for you. Or re-interpret your past. Like watching the same piece of art and discovering new things every time you look at it. Reading the same book, or watching the same movie time after time and finding different meanings.
LIfe its drawing in the sand. Where your limitations and perspectives are not fixed or permanent. Where your design is not fixed and permanent. Can be blown away, or improved by the wind or can be interrupted or modified by another passer by. Life is not carved in stone and it's a good thing. The very core of it, its impermanence… only now I'm starting to understand.
We try to grasp the sand in our hands and it will fall through our fingers. Still, we keep trying to grab life, to hold on to it so badly that we … miss it.
We miss all the lines. Our lines, others lines. How they dance together, ours and others. How ours make a picture but with others its part of a bigger one. We miss having fun assigning different meanings to all these lines. And then you wake up without even considering a bright new way to look at it. We just think its all the time the same. Same where we left it. Same we had planned. Same it was in the past and it becomes a future projection.
I have struggled with the concept of letting go... all my life we can say. I mean, for the best part of 30 years that was not even a concept in my radar. And I was very apprehensive. Attached to my feelings and concepts and arguments and points of views and ideas.
Then I hear about this concept, from different sources, multiple times, now and again. Go to retreats. Meet retreat masters. Practice meditations. Read books. Until one day (it's often like this with me) it started to click. Just started. I don't think letting go it's a concept to be learned but something to be felt.
Gosia was the first person to chip a dent in my armour against letting go. She was my mentor. She didn't agree to this position in my life, but I had decided already, so she had no choice 😅. We used to have different approaches about the same problem. We would argue about it constantly. I would also really argue in meetings about my approach (this also in life), and … well… she said, you explain your point of view, and then let go. I was baffled… but.. but.. they didn't get it! (because I thought if they didn't agree it's because they didn't get it of course) I need to explain again. And she says - sometimes you need to let go.
That was so against my nature at the time. But I believe in what I say, and she say - letting go it's not the same as giving up. Inside my head I went like the minions …. Ooooooohhhhhh… but still didn't get it. I kinda got something, but wasn't sure what. Just a feeling… I continued to work on this consciously and unconsciously. I wanted to understand. Because it felt I was held prisoner, by myself, by my emotions of forcing others to see it my way, by frustration, by feeling misunderstood, by many things. It was exhausting.
I have to say that my work colleagues helped a lot. These people genuinely made me feel it was ok to speak my mind. Work meetings and non work related.
Kamil played an essential factor. He was as invested as I was in random topics. Books, concepts, theories. Committed to his arguments and engaged with me work wise, and life wise in every topic. Like a sparring match of arguments on topics… Like boxing, but with words. Not only him, but everyone of my teammates, took the time to engage in arguments with me till the very end. This is my personal process. I need this to understand my self and others. And I felt safe, and heard where I could be me without worrying about making mistakes, or offending people and I would receive feedback from them. That helped me grow so much as a person.
My nature is very argumentative. Most people take it very bad. Or shoot me down, or feel angry and react or avoid it all together. Or think I'm angry or feel offended. In fact I enjoy it, I love my argumentative nature. But indeed I needed improvements, for it to be enjoyable for me and others.
I'm highlighting this, because I couldn't have gotten better if I wasn't around people with whom I could practice. Where I could be myself, rough around the edges. When I think back, If I wasn't in that environment, around those people, my experience might have not been possible. Or at the very least it would have been way more challenging. I wouldn't have grown. No realization. No feedback, no aha moment, and also self doubts, many voices in my head and pain and hurt for silencing who Im. It would have been more difficult for me to fine tune myself. Maybe just go astray from myself.
Aaaaaanyways… moving on with my rumbling through. My most recent “aha” moment came with a new book I'm reading (“Turning confusion into clarity” by Yongey Mingyur Rimpoche), and the concept clicked so much that I have been stuck in that part for a while now. And I just listen to this concept over and over on repeat. So far it's been the closest explanation I have listened to and it's very similar to my interpretation about the sand.
The concept I heard goes like this ( copied from the book):
"… Fenomena cannot bind you to samsara. Only your grasping can bind you to samsara. The point is to let go of grasping. This does not mean to indulge in material comforts. That will never bring happiness. But with letting go, you can live happily in a cave, or a palace.
To demonstrate the difference between letting go and giving up, Salge Rimpoche held his old Bhodi seed mala in his left hand with his palm facing down and his fingers crossed around the mala.
The mala is experience - he said - and the tighter you hold it, the more a few beads sleep out from the sides of your clenched fingers. As you struggle to contain all the beads, your hand gets tighter and tighter, till you become so tired that you finally stop struggling and give up. He loosened his grip and the mala dropped to his lap. But - he continued - letting go is not the same as giving up. Here is another example.
He held his hand flat, with the palm facing up, allowing the mala to rest on top. This is letting go - he explained.
Fenomena are ok. Wealth is ok. Money is ok. Perception is ok. The problem is grasping. This demonstrates letting go. You are not grasping the mala. Yet you still have it. The main difference between the hand facing up and the hand facing down its wisdom. Letting go, has wisdom. If we grasp too tightly we become hopeless. The most important part of this training in turning the mind from samsara to nirvana, It's letting go of grasping. "
I don't know if I have a point in what I'm writing, but, the thought of picturing life as a sand world where we draw as we walk, and our drawing is changed and erased by wind and fenomena… made me think how fruitless it would be to fight it. Fight change. Fight fenomena. Fight the unexpected. Everything that is out of your control. Like drawing on the beach, and getting angry when it gets erased by the waves. It's irrefutable and pointless to get angry at that.
Then, if I see life in this way. This being the nature of life. Then you should work WITH the nature of things and the understanding of it. Instead of against it. You might stay stuck drawing the same line day after day, complaining about how it got modified or erased. Without moving forward, or attempting to draw new ones.
It also seems fun. It's like a bright new canvas every day. Every day you get to imagine a new thing if you want to. It makes it feel limitless and full of potential and possibilities. I was gonna say all you need it's a vision, but, sometimes .. .you don't have a vision.
Some people do have it. A vision to move towards. They see the dots and the line that binds them and picture the whole image. And that's ok, that's their path. But not the only one.
I guess some people might move just out of instincts and emotions and choices and circumstances, and then they look back and they also have drawn something. Amazing and meaningful. Based on that.. then they can change course, create new path, and even get inspired and have a vision too.
Sometimes people with a vision can also use the random unplanned dot here and there. The happy accident, the intuition and impulse that makes their plan… different. And I'm sure there are many many many more ways to go about it…. and that's the beauty for me. Finding all these interesting characters. With their interesting interpretation of life and the way they go about it. And admire it. And be inspired by it, and affected by it.
As opposed, it's so boring to me watching people trying to fit in stone crafted boxes and concepts that do not fit. All looking the same. So uninspiring. So sad. So restrictive and inflexible.
Every time I see people walking around with strange outfits, and colours and sparks… It just lights up my soul and lifts my day. When I hear perspectives on life soooo different than the one I have… my world just gets bigger and bigger. It's a nice feeling. Uniqueness and diversity.
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