Myself…. Who is myself?
When I feel conflicted, what to do, what's proper, what's too soon, what's too late, what's right or wrong. When I'm under(whelmed) or overwhelmed, I find it best to follow my instinct and/or my emotions. They are sometimes the same and sometimes not.
When in doubt, if the pressure rises, I will always follow my guts, and my guts always wants to talk.. about whatever it's happening. I will speak my mind. I find it stress reducing and more easy just to be me (I say that because I consider many alternatives in my head first). I will always choose this way, or…. do I choose? It feels more like something I can't control. I say I will always choose to be me, but, is that me? Or is the fear talking, and the confusion, and the hurt, and the trauma?
It's hard to know what's the right thing to do, when your emotions stir you left and right like a feeble tree in a hurricane. In my head, I’m thinking…” I don't want to make the same mistakes”. I try to put it all together, all my learnings from the past and try to identify cycles, and lessons I have internalized... But guess what. You would think you have it all figured out. What you want, what you don't want. The best communication approach. How to listen. After you’ve had 8 years worth of a master and PHD in relationship and life experiences that feels like a parallel reality you just survived? And now I'm immune. Nothing rattles me, nothing makes me cry, nothing makes my heart skip and bite or lose my breath.
Then after that, go deep into yourself for 2 years, doing nothing more than reflecting? Connecting dots, rediscovering yourself? You think you have it all together! … and then there comes somebody that pulls off the carpet from under your feet. All of the sudden the glass it's all stormy and muddy and where is your wisdom now?
It's like a joke. I feel my friends from the other side laughing at me “hahahahahahahaha”, having a good time: You studied so hard to be your own captain and read the winds and tie the knots, and choose a good co-captain, so, let's test you in your discernment and decision making in the perfect storm. And they send the emoji match, coming my way.
I guess it depends on the goals. What do I want to get out of my actions? Not scare the guy away? The guy who does not like phone calls, and does not like conversations in general, and texts you when he wants? I think I can come up with strategies to play the game, and stay in the game. If that's the goal, I think I know what to do. But that's not the goal.
So, what DO I want? Good question. What do I feel and why do I feel this way? Another good question. Until I don't know those, I don't know what's the right thing to do. And I still feel like the elephant in the glass shop.
Still, even if it is from fear, confusion, hurt and trauma, I think I prefer facing the consequences of following my instincts. If I make a mistake that causes someone to walk away, then I proudly wear it, scrutinize it, dissect it and analyze it. My mistake, I embrace. And if it is not a mistake, then what a wonderful feeling! We might get closer. Either way, I grow, I learn. Move forward, always being the best me I know at that moment. The best I know how. I keep collecting the clues and pieces, the breadcrumbs that will lead to me.
I find it brave and stupid. They seem to be the same thing sometimes, those two. But I'm proud of both.. The clumsy and the loud and all the parts within me... that I know of and the ones to discover. As long as I act aligned with my authentic self, there are no mistakes… just learning expiriences.
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