Now, next to you...
I feel this uncomfortable feeling. Almost all the time. I feel tense, my shoulders are up, my jaw is clenched, I'm conscious of my every move and position as well, of my every breath.
I think this is because I find myself in an unfamiliar place, and it brings out of me an observant and conscious state. Almost as if I’m in a jungle and any unexpected thing can jump out of the bushes and surprise me and I need to be ready to defend myself. As if everything around is new and the feelings it triggers inside me are also new. So much so, that I have no capacity to process the things as they happen. I feel in this tippy toes state. I only observe and observe, and just later, when I’m not in your presence, I'm able to decompress, go through every tangled, obscure emotion, and try to understand them, how I feel and why I feel this way.
It's still not easy. It's like I'm looking at a big portion of something with a tiny little light that illuminates a pixel at a time of a bigger picture. And I'm not able yet to connect all the dots.
It's like being in a vast valley, with a thick fog… barely any light.
But is this bad? I don't think so. I'm uncomfortable, because… I’m charting new experiences? I also changed in the last 2 years? I'm a different me. At the very least this is an unknown area. Growth happens in the unknown, and it’s uncomfortable. I think I'm in the limbo. Out of my lines and familiar circles. In a new gray zone.
I also think that what will be revealed to me in this area, it's part of what’s already there, and also part of what I decide to make out of my feelings about it. How I decide to interpret them. How I decide to go, in which direction. Even if there is no path marked that I can see, even if there is not a junction. There is always a path, and there are always a thousand junctions in front of you.
But the path will appear, when you make a choice. When you connect the dots in your own free interpretation. When you decide what everything means to you, then the path will be revealed, and more clues and surprises will be there for you to unravel as you walk through it.
I think that what it means essentially, is that for the first time, I'm acting in awareness of my intuition, and using it on purpose. I'm aware, more than ever, that every choice will reveal a different outcome, a different landscape. So it's almost like having a magic wand. It tells me, it feels like I have so much power. Because, although I'm staring at the gray thick fog, I have the power to imagine what is behind, and when this is clear in my mind and in my intentions, then that's what will happen.
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