Feelings, emotions, contact, connection, inertia breaker, introspection….
A strong intuition that led me to act, and say yes and jump into something that makes me nervous and uncomfortable and I know (but I didn't remember why) that is not my thing. Something I'm not good at. A hook up. Just meeting up with someone with the only purpose of having sex.
At this point… I'm nervous about sex with strangers, I'm nervous about sex in general. I'm nervous about not having any feelings, any connection, spark, and they will notice. I'm nervous. It's been a very long time I haven't had any connection. It's been 3 years, 5? I don’t even remember, of disconnection with my ex-partner. We became strangers to each other and I became a stranger to myself.
One year and a half since the break up, wandering around through the wastelands. Walking through the remains of Once Upon a Time the Wonderland of dragons and magic and sparks and fairies and love and passion and craziness. All dried up. No dragons, no magic, no fairies , no spark, no colours. Just an empty, dark and gloomy world remained, and this became the new normal, and I forgot about the fire., and laugh, and pain, and tears and ups and down and I felt nothing. Nothing at all.
Sure there has been sex since then. There has been the friend with benefits. There has been the accidental... looking for a bear and finding a boyfriend instead. Kiss, touch, talk… but no connection, no spark… I cannot look into their eyes. My eyes are cold.
….. and while feeling this way…. Brian popped up in an app and I said yes…
We walk, sit in a bar. Although It's easy for me to make conversation, no matter who. I'm actually enjoying this talk so much. It feels like a tennis match. I enjoy the silences, the drinking, the laughing, the listening and the chemistry. It feels easy. What is this? It's like a feeling I'm used to having more often than not… long, long ago.
We walked to my home. I'm nervous about the sex encounter, but we start kissing and I feel those kisses. I feel the touch. I replied back. Almost no voices in the back of my head. And I'm still nervous, he is too. That relaxes me, and I'm more present, and we go and we have sex… and I look at his expression, at his face and eyes and he talks what comes to mind and I enjoy that … and communication and touch and breathing and face and eyes that feels so comfortable to look at.
It feels like coming back to my own skin. Crawling slowly, without realizing, finding my old self, in a corner, coming out of it, so shy, just acting out of instinct. Like a seed that has been dormant for so long, and slowly, started to yawn and stretch out the arms to meet moisture, sun warmth as instinctively as little tortoises going straight to the ocean when they hatch. My old self, my core self, my dragon, passion self, crawls out of the dark place, opened the door ...and met the light.
It felt conductive, natural. Like I had been waiting for this. The hidden me….
I did feel like I knew this person for a long time, while still being nervous. But it is not as much about this particular person as it is about this person being the catalyst for me to find ME back.
After the encounter ...waves of emotions come and go. Colours are there, heightened , gradually brighter. Will I see fairies too?
The wiser, grown, cautious me it's in a precipice looking down to my other me… who ran, opened arms and jumped ...gliding… feeling the air in my hair… in my face.
Fear comes, emotions overflow. The lack of control over them, climbs into wise me… Sadness…. Happiness…..
What to do now? Wise-cautious me wanders…. Dearing-Brave-Fiery-Heart me wanders. We both wander…. What’s next?
Who will take over… who are we even now?
Next comes brunch.
Next comes dress.
Next come dare.
Next comes focus and work and career.
Next comes act.
Feel.
Next comes discover.
Re-discover.
What will come next???
What's next, I don’t know. But today, today I stay. Today I feel my feelings and don’t run away. I stay quiet and just feel. Today feels a delightful pain. An indescribable emotion… a colour. Today… maybe a little fairy will be born.
… and I'm thinking… still, why did it have to be with this piercing like an arrow straight to my soul... one sided connection that jolts my heart back to life… Why couldn't be a leaving town, but a two sided connection, that brings me back to life?
One thing is for sure. Now I remember the butterflies. I start remembering me. What connection is to me..
I start to remember what it is to feel intense feelings, so crazy in such a short time, that you can't think, or do anything but feel them. The me that says what’s in her mind to the hook up guy. The me that dares and can come up to a guy and say: I like you. The me that will do many stupid and awkward stuff and will need friends to stop me.
…and hopefully new parts of me as well will come…
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