11/11/2024: People think I'm fearless

People think I'm fearless. They have heard my stories. I learned how to swim by being thrown to the swimming pool when I was 5, and my father told me - swim - While he looked at me with a face that told me he was not gonna jump in and help me (I mean deep down I trusted him but… ) I kinda swimmed. And I climbed back up, and I jumped back in again. 

I learned to ride horses and my father told me to ride the scariest horse. His name was Scorpion (alacran in spanish) and you could see the concern and fear in peoples eyes when I climbed. They also told him it was not safe for me.  And he said, she can handle it. I was scared, my heart was racing, but I mounted the horse anyway, because I guess I can handle it... The horse started running, I couldn't stop it. I scream, my father stayed still, did not rush towards me at all and just gave instructions from the distance.  Pull the reins and take control- he said, but I was already trying that and it was not working. 

I disappeared from his eyes (everybody's eyes) as the horse was in control of the path of choice, which was a hidden trail into the bushes.  Then for some reason, this horse decided to come to a sudden full stop, like just from one hundred to zero. Maybe he was trying to shake me off or something. I was small, in primary school, very skinny, so I went flying with the inertia all the way to his head, but did not fall down, somehow, I just made my way back to the saddle, and then headed back to my father who was standing in the same place (on his horse). I do not remember if he was concerned at all. My dad asked me if I was ok, I said yes and then I continued to ride the same horse. Everything was ok after that. 

I know this might sound bad, like I survived my father 😅, but actually I trusted him with all my heart. If he said I could, I believed him. So I did it. Even if that is not coming across in these texts now.

If I asked him - can I jump from this second floor to the water, with all my clothes on? - he would say - yes, but head first, remember to break the water with your hands. If I climb a palm tree half way, he would ask - why don't you go all the way to the top?

The story of how I told myself to ride a bike by throwing myself from a tall hill, that was full of holes, and I fell down and I scratched all my body and was all blooded. And I continue to ride until I learn and say to my mom, it's nothing!

The story of me riding a horse when I was about 9 with a kid that was 5 in the same horse. The horse was attacked by a pig with big teeth. Horse panics, and runs abruptly and we both fall, but the kid falls on top of me. Nothing happened to the kid, just to me. Full of bruises and more scratches (horse was tall). I think my father brushed it off like.. Well… no broken bones, you are fine. And I have so many other stories. 

The story of how I graduated and made the decision to stay in the capital to leave my country. I leave my safe job and put everything on the line so I can pay rent and find a way out. The way out when I finally found it was very unconventional and required a massive leap of faith, craziness and courage.  Leaving with strangers, by myself, not to the most known and easy country, Poland. I mean, it was a possibility of organ trafficking (from my moms perspective anyways)

Three months later I fell in love with a belgium guy. Became a step mom at 24 of a 2 years old kid (half belgian half polish). Navigating relationship problems, brought upon from multicultural people, with no idea how to be mom, dad and step mom. No boundaries and no friends to consult with. Was fired. Learned French to speak with the child, read all educational books so I can educate on purpose. Learn meditation so I could handle everything and become friends with the mom. All while trying to do my best at my new job, and make friends, for me and for the kid, and have a social life, and challenge this kid while trying to gain his trust. All while dying inside, little by little. 

I have many stories and they all look like I'm brave, resourceful, and crazy, and resilient, uplifting I guess?

But …. I don't feel brave.  I actually feel petrified. I have felt petrified so many times. It's like I'm two people at once. 

I was petrified to have a conversation with my father when I was small, about my step moms and many other things. To reply back to my step mothers. To say no to many things to many people. Petrified to graduate, not to graduate. Petrified to live the life I wanted, or to search for it. 

It wasn't the right career, so why didn't I leave? Petrified when I quit my job, and ran around for two years before I managed to leave. Petrified during my 8 years relationship that was killing me and didn't leave. I wanted to stay and I believed in it and I did my all and I really believed in fairy tales but at some point I stopped believing, and it was just hurting me. But It was difficult to make the decision and just… leave. To break up, to be by myself, to start over, and much more. Petrified to do simple tasks at work. And I would spend weeks petrified about them. About talking in meetings at work. About simple things such as sending emails (when I landed my first corporate work)

Petrified about facing my life and my purposeless existence. What I consider my constant failure. No savings, no real career, dont care for it, no success or achievement of any kind and do nothing about it. And I want to change but don't know where to start and I'm just petrified. Not starting. 

Now in my new situation, in Canada for two years. Doing all this retrospection about myself and destroying my beliefs and questioning everything and supposedly growing… But have I changed anything in me at all? It all feels the same. Just failure. I feel the same failure. And I do nothing about it. 

This loud voice in my head says, very smartly… if you want change you have to be the change. I say that to people all the time. Smarty pants I think I'm right?? Easier said than done. But I'm so petrified!!!

It's been what it feels like an eternity in this petrified state where I want to change my life, I want a purpose so I say. But I do nothing. Sure, I don't know where to start. But still I do nothing. 

Like … I stayed a whole 11 days at home…. And did absolutely nothing. It feels like literally a pressure pot. Where my disappointment and expectations and all the advice and wisdom “I know” it's bouncing in my head and I still don't move a single finger. And I scroll and scroll like a pathetic being. LIke a slug. 

I do nothing for my PR in canada. I need to upload a freaking document and set up a test. I'm petrified with that too. I do nothing for my promotion. I'm petrified about that too. I do nothing on my blog which supposedly was a thing that I truly  enjoy. But now, it's like another task in my head, banging. Another one that I do nothing about. I do nothing. I just sit around and mop and complain to myself. I see no one, I call no one, I go nowhere. I just sink deeper and deeper in the whole and pressure keeps rising. 

How can I call myself brave? I don't know. I know I'm crazy and go ahead and do the craziest and reckless things without thinking twice and some after thinking some times.. And yet, sometimes I'm just frozen. 

LIke one time I was picking up coffee on the mountains. In the same branch I was picking up the grains, the bee’s nest was hanging. When I saw it, I couldn't just back away. I couldn't move and I just froze. Then I thought about it. Because I have that feature.When something happens to me once, I think how I should react if that were to happen to me again, in the future.  It's a feature and also a bug. 

The next time something like this happened was when I was at my fathers house. It was around midnight and I was sitting at the computer.  I heard a terrifying scream from his bedroom, of pain. So there it was again. An unexpected situation and pain and panic and you need to jump into action. I don't remember if I froze or not. And if I assessed the situation and knew what to do or not. 

Anyways.. I'm sometimes brave and jump into action and destroy myself and I know I can take it and sometimes I'm petrified. But it feels to me I actually have been petrified my whole life. My entire life. 

I didn't dare to quit my career and find a better one. I didn't dare to have a conversation with my father. I didn't dare to reply back and stand up for myself to any of my step mothers. I didn't say no. I was petrified to speak up at work in meetings, they would for sure discover I'm an impostor there. 

But in the outside, everyone thinks i'm crazy. Everyone thinks i'm brave. But I don't feel that way, at all. I live in a constant battle with myself. Every day, I can't shake off. 

I'm not good enough. I didn't make any decision, or the right decision. I'm sure my father was disappointed at my graduation. I didn't care and didn't even want to graduate for that matter. I didn't care about my career. I dont and I should but I don't care. And I don't have any achievements that I'm proud of. I hate that question. I do nothing that bring value to the world around me, to anyone around me. That's how I feel. 

But you know…. People still look at me and think I'm a cheerful person. Assertive, and crazy, and bold. But… I'm not. 

I feel miserable, like a slug. 

I really wonder sometimes… like what went wrong. I really don't feel that smart. Like… My father was this super achiever smart person in everything in life.  A man with values and morals and internal drive that was bigger than the whole planet. Accomplished, and respected or hated by everyone. But super relevant either way. Charismatic, articulated, business man. Like there is nothing this man wouldn't succeed at. It's like you throw him in a dessert and he will for sure make plants grow there. I'm sure of it. Like a Titan. It was just first nature for him to thrive. 

Then my mom. The wizard of OZ. This woman besides being equally smart or more than my dad. Graduated second after him. Beautiful, sporty. Single mom, creative, assertive, strong. Successful in her career, respected, loved or hated (by some students). She literally did magic as well and made magic shows for me growing up while living in a barren desert. She made a magic forest grow in a non magic land. My mom was impressive. The best human being, heart and mother that anyone can have. 

And then…………. me. Like … me. Did they pick me up somewhere and didn't tell me?? I would joke about it for a long time. Like how come they are so smart, accomplished… and me… I have nothing to show up for. After all the effort of my mom in my education and my dad, I turned out to be nothing. Yeah….

I'm the laziest person of all. I think rocks and mountains and trees will move faster than me. And achieve great things. 

And I know all too well about many things. About …wisdom, and growth, and awareness and brain, and phycology and blah blah blah…. I'm really bored of myself. I'm bored already halfway through this long text. 

I'm just so tired today. And I feel defeated. Purposeless as always like a particule floating about in the cosmos. It doesn't make a difference. Like my other superpower, the one about being delusionally hopeful about everything and everyone, that one is in a low today, or its been in a low for more than 11 days anyways. 

Today I don't believe in me, or the universe, or my capability of manifesting anything but my current reality. I have always believed in it, since childhood and before knowing all these things about manifesting and all that. I believed everything was possible. Like I was born with that slogan tattooed in my soul or something. But today I just don't believe in myself. I'm capable of changing mylife, to create a different present and plan a future. I could use the infused belief from my dad. When I asked him what he believed in, he would say, very stoic, - I believe in myself. At this point I was exploring religion, and I was concerned for his soul, like his immortality. So I was determined to ask God in case he existed, to let him into heaving. Although I did not believe in god very much myself, and as such, I was never baptized. 

I'm tired. It feels tiring to believe. What good does believing and nothing changes… duh… if I do nothing about it. Like they say, you have to pray but you actually are the one to do it for yourself. And today… and apparently for many days, months and all my life… I'm tired. And I don't believe I can accomplish anything. The other saying is: There is no favorable wind for the one that doesn't know where he wants to go. And that's me. I don't know where I want to go. I don't know what I want. All I know is what I don't want. 

I don't want to live purposelessly. To do nothing, to not achieve anything and the type of job I have and waste away in nothingness. 

I want to find what inspires me, what matters to me. Something that ignites my heart. That I feel passionate about. I want to do and do and do and do to no end, for that something I believe in, and it's important to me. But … What is that? I have no idea? So… how is the wind going to favor me then? If I don't know?

I don't have a picture in my head about how or what or a description. Nothing. So,  I'm just here. Sad, hopeless and moping. 

And hating myself for that too, because I know too well that doesnt help at all. Only actions do. 

Then I think, what's my other choice? Just stand up and do things. Do anything and everything. Yeah,.. That's the only plan. Just go and do everything in the whole world that there is to do until you find it I guess. The process of elimination. That's the only thing. Problem is I don't even know where to start. 

I just sit here and start thinking, go hiking… nah,. Have done it, don't feel like it. Go dancing.. Nah, have done it, don't feel like it. Go dating. No!! Don't want to. Go meeting people.. Don't feel like it. Do some of the many projects in your head. Don't feel like it either. Pole dancing then, you have a pole that you bought…. to pole dance. Nop. Kickboxing then… nop. Have done all that. Don't want to . 

So then what?? Don't know. I don't feel like doing anything. 

Ok… well…. Then choose something you have never done before. Skydiving.. And I don't really feel like going on these experiences that I don't feel any passion for. And that's the problem… I don't feel any passion for anything. I project them in my mind like useless use of my time, money and energy and in the end. I'm a potato in my house. 

I run all these scenarios in my head and they are all just….. NO! I don't care for them. 

I don't want entertainment, I don't want escaping. I want to feel something, to do something that excites me. But…. well.. You get the picture. 

I'm sure I'm not gonna discover it by sitting in my house and running scenarios in my head. I know that. And that's the whole in which I find myself. Going deeper and deeper that it's absorbing my soul and my will to live. LIke the ghost thingies from harry potter. 

I don't know the spectrum of patronus to break out. 

And none of my friends, co-workers , manager and people who know me will agree with this, or my family.

They will say, but Midia, you left Cuba, where your soul was dying, you did that. You got a job in Europe, and you were fired and you got another one in a big corp (by accident but well). You raised a child to the best of your abilities, you made friends. You even made Polish parents friends (that I consider one of my biggest accomplishments) You didn't give up (that sometimes is a problem, you need to learn to give up all together in somethings. It's like life is sending me obvious signs and i'm so stubborn) You are working in this amazing Amazon company. You moved to Canada all by yourself. And you got an amazing apartment. And you made friends so soon in Canada, and met so nice and supportive people. LIke what are you talking about. Honestly… I have a list of people that I'm thankful for. That has done critical things in important moments in my life and it is thanks to them that I'm where I am. And my current manager is one of them . I could pay them all back somehow. I have a list like Arya Stark, but a thank you list. I have all these things. Achievements in a way. 

I made a social life ain poland. Just before leaving and after many years trying, Gosia finally became my friend (this took 5 years!! 😅). The mom of Filip (my step son) finally became my kinda friend (friend is a stretch but she agreed to pretty much everything I was telling her for so many years. We should be on the same page, and support each other. I even became a good mother to her dog, which eventually became mine) I did grow somehow in my work and my colleagues helped me on that. I'm grateful for all of them. I somehow always land in a place with the most supportive people. I'm grateful for that. In the most difficult  circumstances, always find the ray of light coming my way in the form of people. I did made a long way to where I am today. I lived to the fullest to the point of depletion!! I survive the blowing into pieces of my life and moved across continents. 

But despite all that. I feel defeated. 

Today I’m tired, and I do not believe in myself.

I feel I'm not good enough.

I believe my life it's been a waste of time.

I believe I dont have the power to change it.

I don't believe I will find my purpose in life.

I don't believe I'm capable.

I feel lost. 

I believe and feel I have been lost all my life , like swimming in an ocean to no particular direction and finding accidental things that are not exactly helping me to find myself (I don't think that's true but I also feel it is true. It's complicated and messy)

I feel every time I choose to do nothing, stay still, it's as uncomfortable as a hand directly squeezing my heart. It hurts to stay still like a potato and do nothing. But still I stay frozen. Why? Why I do nothing. 

What am I afraid of??

If I believe that a person moves when the alternative is less scary than the current situation, then, why haven't I been brave. Why haven't I taken action to take control, to pursue and find my passion and I stay stuck? What Am I afraid of then?  it's just been survivable. I'm good at surviving I guess?

Maybe that's the thing. I only think I'm good at surviving, but not at thriving. 

I feel I have a huge power inside of me. LIke an atomic plant of will capable of anything if Only I knew what anything is. I certainly defied my mother when she said I can't go out, but I wanted to finish a conversation with my boyfriend, so I jumped out of the second floor to the roof of the next house to escape. And then hang myself from the third floor of the roof of my house (sustained only from my fingers) to somehow, Tom Cruise style I would enter through my window. I'm lucky to be alive. But that's how  determined I can be (some people would call it crazy, but I didn't know there was a line) when I'm sure of something. 

So… what am I so terrified of, that I don't dare to move?

I know I'm uncomfortable where I am. Actually I recognize this a pattern of me. I always go to the deepest bottom, and then I climb back up. But I don't see it. 

I feel I can't take control of my life. I can't plan it and be a boss lady. 

Take control has alway been a thing. Right.  My dad had everything under control. He made things happen. My mom was more like a crazy magician warrior. With the pose and elegance of a ballerina. 

And me, I'm just an elephant in a glass store. I stumble upon things. Or I'm like a rhino sometimes and charge at full force and will bend things to my will. And sometimes I'm a raccoon. And now Im a sloth!! I'm in my sloth era. I think a sloth will move faster. 

So moving on with my belief system. 

I don't think I can find my purpose. I don't think I can make things happen. I don't know. I think I can make things happen, But why dont I make anything happen?

I hate planning my life 5 years ahead of me. Maybe because I'm afraid and don't believe I can make that and I prefer not even thinking about it so I dont panic and freeze even more about a daunting future, or because I really hate that. It's not me. The planning thing. Being my dad. I also don't want to be a warrior all my life., 

I want to be I don't know. A farmer, in the sense of making things quietly and patiently grow? I want to make things, create things, inspire, be inspired, …

I'm just rambling trying my best to understand… but i don't. And my heart gets more squeezed. And still, sitting on my sofa. Haven't even gone outside. 

I know I look like I have some of my ducks in a row, but my ducks are more like rubber sticky ducks. Their specialty is to improvise and stick the landing. That's it. They are also like Marine Ops in the sense that once they stick the landing they know how to make camp, assess the situation and scavenge for provision and reclute help in the area. Adapt. My ducks are survivalists. Pretty rudimentals ducks. Ducks for chaos time. But I need the industrial duck, the architect duck and the fine wine duck and the thriving duck. All the ducks that my father had. But apparently I didn't get any of those ducks. I just got the survival ducks. The improvisers ducks. The “why not” ducks, whatever ducks. I can do it… or not duck. I didn't get the career oriented duck. Even my mom was career oriented. Maybe I should consider being a comedian. That's where all this is leading to 😂. The comedian duck. I should explore my ducks then. What kinda hidden ducks I have.

Just as FYI... whomever is reading. I do believe in myself. Just today this feeling its in the bottom of the pile of the other feelings. And all this believes coexist. If I believe in manifesting your subconscious and conscious state of mind and apply some physics to it. All my believe are a big pot of contradictions and I manifest the summatory of the forces of this beliefs. Which today... its pretty stagnant.

I should probably mention for context sake that I have been sick for the past 11 days, in addition to be the two weeks before my period when I have the least energy and motivation. 😅