January 27 2025: Trauma Parade

 

All my life pains and traumas at once in one dream. The most chaotic and convulsing dream. Painful, shame, guilty, lost, hopelessness, fear, abandonment. The combination of all the traumas and negative feelings through my whole life. At max intensity. 

 

I don't exactly know what this dream means,  as I said I didn't write it right away, just at the end of the day so there are not a lot of details. It was pretty much the end of the dream.

 

Dream:

 

There was a battalion of people in this dream. Like a rave of people. So many! And in my dream I have this heavy sensation that these are all the people I have met through my entire life. The places are also the places I know and lived, studied. My house in Cuba, my father's house, my schools. Like all the significant places. And it is like a movement. Like a march and I move from place to place and from group to group. 

 

I only remember the last part barely. 

 

I'm moving with this group of people. And I'm with someone. Someone close to me like a boyfriend. And there are some close friends too. And we arrived at a big place. It's like a place that looks like the ruins of a city. Looks like a Greek city in ruins. Like hills with houses you climb. There is also a labyrinth and many many many people already there, when we arrived. I arrived with a very big group. 

 

And as soon as we arrived, everyone that was close to me just disappeared. Like puff!

 

And I start to look and call and scream.. Calling their names. And I feel this heavy abandonment and despair. This big emptiness in my chest. It also felt sharp, cold. Like a big black hole. I feel all these feelings of abandonment, rejection and despair and fear . Like all my childhood fears all at once. It was intense to bear. 

 

And I ran through this place calling different names, some friends names that promised something to do something with me the next day. Like “promise promise” and I was counting on them, like a done deal. Like I trusted them.. And now they just disappeared. 

 

And I get into some strange rooms where there are people and I ask them if they have seen this person or that person. And they say they saw one, and they went that way, but the way they are pointing gives me fear. 
 

I'm looking for someone specific, someone important to me… but I get the feeling if I follow that path to search for them, I won't find the way back to where I'm right now. Something like that, so I don't go down that path… I don't go that path but at the same time I have a very clear picture of what could happen if I go that path. LIke a vision with strong feelings of dead ends, and isolation and claustrophobia and no return to where I am. So I decided not to go and hope they are not there and I continue to search in other places. 

 

And I go out to look somewhere else… and I found one of them (a friend). She is like camping in some room. There is no place for me. I ask her … what about tomorrow … Will we meet? And she acts like she doesn't hear me and I don't matter and I'm not important.. Just ignore me. And I feel invisible. And I keep looking, like for one main important person. Like a boyfriend or something, but can't remember which one. I'm not sure now who it was. It's like the face keeps changing. 

 

Then… out of nowhere.. Two big black panthers, and maybe more dangerous animals are around. And then they surround me. And my heart beats so strong in panic and fear and desperation. And I ask for help. And everyone just looks at me in indifference and no one helps. 

 

And these animals jump at me and they bite me … two of them, in my arms. But the bite is not as I expected and I notice I can fight them. Im still scared… and im still looking around and everyone ignores me and I realize it is only myself. And while feeling all these feelings of abandonment, fear, emptiness, hopelessness and others all tangled in a big massive ball… I started not to care and I started fighting these animals. 

 

And I'm running up the hill and ruined houses. I climb and climb and climb and I drag them with me. They don't let go, they are still biting me in my arms. They are big. A mother and a pop. They started like panthers, but now they look more like wolves? I'm not sure what animals they are. 

 

As I go to the top, I extend my arm out and the big animal is hanging from my arm… and it lets go. It falls from the big height and as it falls I feel so sad for her. I was very scared and fighting to get it off me, but I didn't want it to die. And I see as it falls from very high and I feel the pain of her death before it hits the ground. It felt eternal… the fall and my guilt for killing it, until it hit the ground and was dead. And then the cub is in my other arm. And I feel so so so sad because I killed the mother of the pup, and now he is alone and abandoned. 

 

And I carry so much pain in my heart… it is almost unbearable. 

 

I also remember another flash of a scene of embarrassment. Some embarrassing things,  I remember that feeling, but I don't remember the exact scene and topic. 

 

 

Post dream actions and further reflection: 

 

I know I was conscious through the dream. It felt like a story and I had to be there for the whole ride. The best way to explain it is like when they represent this in movies, when a person is about to die and their whole life flashes before their eyes… It felt like this. 

 

It was like a parade of traumas. I was part of the parade and also the spectator. I am going with the parade, from one era of my life to the next. From one group of people to another group of people, from one place to another. As I progressed I was collecting each emotion (fear, abandonment, disappointment, rejection, shame, guilt, lost, invisible, betrayed and so on) from these eras, from these experiences. 

 

I could feel each individual emotion added to my heart. Like my heart is a calibrated scale. Each one had a distinctive feeling, like a signature… and then they together became a new thing… morphing. 

 

When I woke up, I was shaken by it. To my core. All these feelings were still there. The weight of my life all at once. 

 

I stayed in bed for a while thinking about it. Stayed with those feelings for a while. They felt powerful. Then, I just decided to stand up and put music, and jump, and dance, and move, and drink my lemon water, and look in the mirror and say my affirmations and talk out my manifestations and my beliefs and my state of mind… and just like that.. that big rock left my heart. I felt in control, lighter…. I did not want to stay with those feelings. I have just closed a cycle of long retrospection and heavy emotions. These emotions have no place with me anymore.  Like I graduated from them almost. I naturally wanted to move on. Purposefully. The way I felt when I closed the chapter was of intentional joy. “I choose Joy”, is what I decided, and that's what I felt I had to do after that dream, so that's what I did. It was not forced. It just took conscious actions and it worked. 

 

It feels like I am in control. I moved out of it. So maybe it means I’m taking control.. and letting go of those things? That's the impression I have. 

 

I have taken my time to write this. I have spent the day with this in the back of my mind. Not in the front, as I was doing other things and focusing on taking different decisions and behaving like the person I want to become. So I spent the day focusing on being intentional… while that was still running in the back of my head for interpretation I think. But not having all the attention, or having a big hold. 

 

I take it like me taking my power back. Like moving on.